Just a memory & a need to rant piece

Recently, some stuff has happened, and I find myself thinking that life is a fleeting thing. One moment....one moment is really all it takes for you to lose forever with a loved one. And you find yourself regretting, over the days, weeks, months, extending into years. And the memory buries itself deep into the recesses of your mind, until you even forget that it exist. In place, you subconsciously pretend that the past is past, and you live in the present and future. The past is a dusty little bookshelf in your mind's eye, something you neglect to peruse.

But some time later, maybe years later, the memory digs afresh, out of the emotional dust that you have blanketed it with, until you can no longer feel it.....or so you thought. That subconscious facade torn apart, and you're forced to accept the reality yet again. She's gone. Nothing you can do ever again.

You have taken her for granted.

No more holding her hand, finger that little bubble like bump on her left wrist and listening to her tell the story behind it all over again.

No more guiding her as she climbs up the stairs, everytime insisting that she doesn't need help, until age betrays everything and she quietly clings to your supporting hand.

Never again will she try to wake you up in the early mornings, making sure that you get off the bed before she stops her tirade of waking up early routines.

Never again will she talk about distant relatives or recite the 12 zodiac signs as she lies beside you in bed.

No, you won't ever have the chance to take care of her again. You have broken that promise to your younger self. That's it.

That is not the only regrettable thing. Even in your mind, her brittle but strong voice has already begun to fade, and you now, soon you won't even remember how she sounded like. It is the worst fear; the fear of forgetting.

For now, that emotional barrage passes, and you find yourself slowly burying that small fragile memories again.

To store, that's what you tell yourself.

Until the next time again, when you know, you'll cry and regret again deep into the night when nobody can hear or be witness to your selfish agony.

Resolutions for 2010

So here comes the new year of 2010. Time really flies. So, 2009 was a really huge hurdle for me. I learnt so many lessons in that one single year alone, and realised different sides to my own personality. Doubtlessly, it was also a year of change. I have definitely grew up a lot, although perhaps it still isn't enough. Nevertheless, its the progress happening that matters, not how much. I learn to take things at my own pace, and somehow that is good enough for me.

How about 2010? I want it be to much better off than 2009. It is a fresh new start. Hmmm....the few resolutions, or rather, aims and objectives of 2010 are :

- limit my spending
- take note and precise count of my spending
- improve my studies and results
- finish my thesis well.
- get a placement for internship and work hard in it.

Yep....so, go me.

Inequilibrium

Have you ever felt detached from the world, that it actually makes you dizzy from just walking outside? Did you feel that confusion of wondering why you were born into this universe, because you could've belonged to another?

Gah, seriously, sometimes I do feel that. And that's been happening for quite a while now. When I walk around in some quiet place, even though it's empty, it feels streaming with many people. Makes one feel wistful....


Ok, loads of nonsense being talked around. Erase this from your mind!

A new sem

So the new semester and academic year begins. Plenty to do right at the beginning of the semester. And need a check up perhaps. Breathing still gets a bit catchy at times.

So, my last semester yielded pretty ok results, an improvement from the past few down and out's, so I thought I'd pamper myself a little. And so....I got myself Kinki Kids' compilation album! Ohohoho....yeah, it was amazing...*cackles* Well worth the effort, but my wallet's dead.

Things are looking up finally, after so many years, I hope it will continue to get better from here on out. Sorry to anyone who's reading this crappy blog, for it didn't seem like I keep up my end of the promise of providing a witty and entertaining blog. >< From now on, I will try my best on the blog as well.

Yoroshiku onegaishimasu, ne.

Sickness

Sometimes, I think I might never get well again, especially on the days when it hurts so bad, or even any painless suffering. Is it possible to live like this? Everyone fears death one way or the other, and I am no different. That's probably because we're all not ready to give up this life, right? Why else would it matter?

I don't think I'll ever get over this. But there's nothing else anyone or I could do, except to keep going on.

Keep going forward, because to turn back is not an option.

Another challenge?

Alright, I'm all fired up for the new semester...not. First of all, there's many complications, which, suffice to say, is stressful. Last semester, I got sick before my first finals, and had to take MC in order to be able to take the supplementary paper and still get normal grading. But hell no, as I found out, since I did not take MC from the list of panel clinics, I can only get minimal grading of C, no matter how well I do. And DAMNIT, I worked my ass off last semester, and my results are dragged down due to this subject.

Someone please tell me this sucks. Tell me to sue the pants of the uni.

On a lighter note, I'm taking French this semester. It definitely will be interesting to learn, although pronunciation wise, French seems to be tough! But everyone says I'm a language type of person and assured me that I will be able to cope. Argh, that's so not true, but we shall see.

Oh well, the night's not getting younger, and there's class tomorrow. Time for bed~

Ending on an abrupt note,
eden rei

Observations and whining

Alrighty, I have not posted for a long time. It can't be helped, since this sem I've been quite busy and there are many changes I had to deal with.

Ok, so my current life observation based on my current mood might be pretty biased, but I feel the need to whine and complain a little. So recently, I've split myself off from one of the few social ties I have. Yeah, I don't really feel the need to work on my life socially. But those people I call friends are those that I do defend when it matters. But sometimes it gets tiring when you've been taken for granted.

Cue sigh.

It's times like this that I realize I do try to keep a friendship alive, but then it feels like I'm the only one trying. That's all fine and well, but when I get tired and stop trying it, so called 'friends' don't even bother to try instead.

Sometimes I get accused of not trying, but in truth, I feel like no one realizes what we try to do in the first place. If people can just push the blame to everyone else, then there will never be peace in this world.

Point in fact : the concept of friends and friends are overrated.

anyone can prove me wrong? Because I really wish I am wrong.