Just a memory & a need to rant piece

Recently, some stuff has happened, and I find myself thinking that life is a fleeting thing. One moment....one moment is really all it takes for you to lose forever with a loved one. And you find yourself regretting, over the days, weeks, months, extending into years. And the memory buries itself deep into the recesses of your mind, until you even forget that it exist. In place, you subconsciously pretend that the past is past, and you live in the present and future. The past is a dusty little bookshelf in your mind's eye, something you neglect to peruse.

But some time later, maybe years later, the memory digs afresh, out of the emotional dust that you have blanketed it with, until you can no longer feel it.....or so you thought. That subconscious facade torn apart, and you're forced to accept the reality yet again. She's gone. Nothing you can do ever again.

You have taken her for granted.

No more holding her hand, finger that little bubble like bump on her left wrist and listening to her tell the story behind it all over again.

No more guiding her as she climbs up the stairs, everytime insisting that she doesn't need help, until age betrays everything and she quietly clings to your supporting hand.

Never again will she try to wake you up in the early mornings, making sure that you get off the bed before she stops her tirade of waking up early routines.

Never again will she talk about distant relatives or recite the 12 zodiac signs as she lies beside you in bed.

No, you won't ever have the chance to take care of her again. You have broken that promise to your younger self. That's it.

That is not the only regrettable thing. Even in your mind, her brittle but strong voice has already begun to fade, and you now, soon you won't even remember how she sounded like. It is the worst fear; the fear of forgetting.

For now, that emotional barrage passes, and you find yourself slowly burying that small fragile memories again.

To store, that's what you tell yourself.

Until the next time again, when you know, you'll cry and regret again deep into the night when nobody can hear or be witness to your selfish agony.