Random in Tandem

Just a memory & a need to rant piece

2010-01-14T09:07:00.000-08:00

Recently, some stuff has happened, and I find myself thinking that life is a fleeting thing. One moment....one moment is really all it takes for you to lose forever with a loved one. And you find yourself regretting, over the days, weeks, months, extending into years. And the memory buries itself deep into the recesses of your mind, until you even forget that it exist. In place, you subconsciously pretend that the past is past, and you live in the present and future. The past is a dusty little bookshelf in your mind's eye, something you neglect to peruse.

But some time later, maybe years later, the memory digs afresh, out of the emotional dust that you have blanketed it with, until you can no longer feel it.....or so you thought. That subconscious facade torn apart, and you're forced to accept the reality yet again. She's gone. Nothing you can do ever again.

You have taken her for granted.

No more holding her hand, finger that little bubble like bump on her left wrist and listening to her tell the story behind it all over again.

No more guiding her as she climbs up the stairs, everytime insisting that she doesn't need help, until age betrays everything and she quietly clings to your supporting hand.

Never again will she try to wake you up in the early mornings, making sure that you get off the bed before she stops her tirade of waking up early routines.

Never again will she talk about distant relatives or recite the 12 zodiac signs as she lies beside you in bed.

No, you won't ever have the chance to take care of her again. You have broken that promise to your younger self. That's it.

That is not the only regrettable thing. Even in your mind, her brittle but strong voice has already begun to fade, and you now, soon you won't even remember how she sounded like. It is the worst fear; the fear of forgetting.

For now, that emotional barrage passes, and you find yourself slowly burying that small fragile memories again.

To store, that's what you tell yourself.

Until the next time again, when you know, you'll cry and regret again deep into the night when nobody can hear or be witness to your selfish agony.

Resolutions for 2010

2010-01-02T07:25:00.000-08:00

So here comes the new year of 2010. Time really flies. So, 2009 was a really huge hurdle for me. I learnt so many lessons in that one single year alone, and realised different sides to my own personality. Doubtlessly, it was also a year of change. I have definitely grew up a lot, although perhaps it still isn't enough. Nevertheless, its the progress happening that matters, not how much. I learn to take things at my own pace, and somehow that is good enough for me.

How about 2010? I want it be to much better off than 2009. It is a fresh new start. Hmmm....the few resolutions, or rather, aims and objectives of 2010 are :

- limit my spending
- take note and precise count of my spending
- improve my studies and results
- finish my thesis well.
- get a placement for internship and work hard in it.

Yep....so, go me.

Inequilibrium

2009-08-20T07:32:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt detached from the world, that it actually makes you dizzy from just walking outside? Did you feel that confusion of wondering why you were born into this universe, because you could've belonged to another?

Gah, seriously, sometimes I do feel that. And that's been happening for quite a while now. When I walk around in some quiet place, even though it's empty, it feels streaming with many people. Makes one feel wistful....

Ok, loads of nonsense being talked around. Erase this from your mind!

A new sem

2009-07-04T06:49:00.000-07:00

So the new semester and academic year begins. Plenty to do right at the beginning of the semester. And need a check up perhaps. Breathing still gets a bit catchy at times.

So, my last semester yielded pretty ok results, an improvement from the past few down and out's, so I thought I'd pamper myself a little. And so....I got myself Kinki Kids' compilation album! Ohohoho....yeah, it was amazing...*cackles* Well worth the effort, but my wallet's dead.

Things are looking up finally, after so many years, I hope it will continue to get better from here on out. Sorry to anyone who's reading this crappy blog, for it didn't seem like I keep up my end of the promise of providing a witty and entertaining blog. >< From now on, I will try my best on the blog as well.

Yoroshiku onegaishimasu, ne.

Sickness

2009-06-25T11:20:00.001-07:00

Sometimes, I think I might never get well again, especially on the days when it hurts so bad, or even any painless suffering. Is it possible to live like this? Everyone fears death one way or the other, and I am no different. That's probably because we're all not ready to give up this life, right? Why else would it matter?

I don't think I'll ever get over this. But there's nothing else anyone or I could do, except to keep going on.

Keep going forward, because to turn back is not an option.

Another challenge?

2009-06-16T11:17:00.000-07:00

Alright, I'm all fired up for the new semester...not. First of all, there's many complications, which, suffice to say, is stressful. Last semester, I got sick before my first finals, and had to take MC in order to be able to take the supplementary paper and still get normal grading. But hell no, as I found out, since I did not take MC from the list of panel clinics, I can only get minimal grading of C, no matter how well I do. And DAMNIT, I worked my ass off last semester, and my results are dragged down due to this subject.

Someone please tell me this sucks. Tell me to sue the pants of the uni.

On a lighter note, I'm taking French this semester. It definitely will be interesting to learn, although pronunciation wise, French seems to be tough! But everyone says I'm a language type of person and assured me that I will be able to cope. Argh, that's so not true, but we shall see.

Oh well, the night's not getting younger, and there's class tomorrow. Time for bed~

Ending on an abrupt note,
eden rei

Observations and whining

2009-04-27T04:13:00.000-07:00

Alrighty, I have not posted for a long time. It can't be helped, since this sem I've been quite busy and there are many changes I had to deal with.

Ok, so my current life observation based on my current mood might be pretty biased, but I feel the need to whine and complain a little. So recently, I've split myself off from one of the few social ties I have. Yeah, I don't really feel the need to work on my life socially. But those people I call friends are those that I do defend when it matters. But sometimes it gets tiring when you've been taken for granted.

Cue sigh.

It's times like this that I realize I do try to keep a friendship alive, but then it feels like I'm the only one trying. That's all fine and well, but when I get tired and stop trying it, so called 'friends' don't even bother to try instead.

Sometimes I get accused of not trying, but in truth, I feel like no one realizes what we try to do in the first place. If people can just push the blame to everyone else, then there will never be peace in this world.

Point in fact : the concept of friends and friends are overrated.

anyone can prove me wrong? Because I really wish I am wrong.

So there are kind people in this world after all

2009-02-19T18:13:00.000-08:00

Alright, so I may have been a bit too cynical of the world. I shall have to review my opinion after the incident that happened just minutes before.

So I just left class at 9 something close to 10 to the library. Reached the library and set to chucking my stuff at the bag shelf and entered the library at a very sedate and half asleep state. Then rummaged in my pocket sleepily and to my absolute horror, I realise that....oh shit, I left my cell in class.

Now, I wouldn't know about how other people in other countries might do if they find an abandoned cell phone, but generally, humans are pretty greedy; they'd just take and run off with it. So I bloody got my ass up and flew back to the lecture hall.

Saw a bunch of my coursemates whom I don't even know the names of still there in the class. So I frantically asked them if they saw or noticed. Nope, naturally no one would, but they ended up trying to help by looking around and calling and messaging my phone for me, despite me being a total headless chicken moaning my fate right there and then. After a long time of calling and no one picking up, finally whoever who took my phone called back.

Oh boy, I don't know how relieved and grateful I am right at this moment. It feels so damn...I don't know, the world ain't so bleak after all. There's people helping me at difficult points in my life, and now there are honest people too. Seriously, what more can you ask? I just hope that whoever had helped me today, whether by holding on to my phone and returning it to me, or helping me retrieve it, would receive the same treatment if they were ever to encounter any difficulties in their lives too.

Signing off,
a very grateful and relieved Rei-chan

Another weird contemplation thing

2009-02-05T04:05:00.000-08:00

Ok, so this is a weird talking-to-myself kinda post. So in these few days I got myself into a one sided argument. Well, one sided because I chose to keep my mouth shut. But I still ended up pretty pissed.

In point of fact, I shall give an example. Say friend A proposes a plan of sorts on a certain day. Nothing was confirmed but on the day itself, you hear from friend B that the plan is on. But since no one had confirmed with you in the first place, and something else had came up that day, you decided to turn it down with the reason that no one confirmed with you that the plan is on.

Surprises of all surprises, you got shot to death by B, saying that 'you are always like that, if no one confirmed with you then you don't ask' and 'you're always so last minute'. Won't you get pretty pissed?

As a matter of fact, I did get so damn pissed. But I clamped my mouth shut physically and stfu. Of course, inside was a different matter. My brain was exuding thoughts of 'that's utter bullshit'. And it is! Like what the fuck, pardon the language, but please use your brains for a minute here. I had already said that if it is confirmed then inform me. No one BOTHERED to do so. I had to hear it from another person instead of friend A. Why is it that I get the blame for other people's neglect on that matter? I refuse to even think that this is my fault. You want it on, inform and confirm. Otherwise, it is to be expected that the plan is OFF. Don't bloody shoot me with BS.

As it is, yes, I'm a 'last minute' person. But never to my friends. To shoot me with untruths just anger me even more than the fact that said person spoke without considering that her words are hurtful. I'm sure, if the situation was reversed, she would be pretty hurt herself.

I do try to mince my words with as much delicacy as possible, especially when it comes to my friends. Therefore, I really do expect at least some consideration as well. It really disappoints me that the same consideration and care is not reciprocated even by the slightest bit.

That was point one. Secondly, I would really like to point out that when I say no, I mean NO. Not yes. NO = negative =/= yes. I'm not a kid that you can assume that my 'no' is a 'yes'. Nuff said.

Conclusionally, in this week, I realise my pet peeves.

1) I hate it when people talk without thinking or considering.
2) I hate it when people misread my direct answer. I'm a direct person...in most ways.

That said, don't take any of this seriously. This is totally up for discussion, and no insult is meant.

I'm NOT laughing in the face of my own disaster...

2008-12-25T22:55:00.000-08:00

...of my own making, yes, thank you very much. DAMNIT. Yes, there's a need for colourful language in caps. OK, that's the feedback. Now let's go to the source of the source : my procrastination. Which leads to my probably being unable to register for my upcoming semester tomorrow.

Now you ask why?

I delayed seeing my academic advisor, that's bloody why. And then she turns out not to be in today, which makes it a double choco chip ice cream. ARGH. That's it. I just HAVE to try and NOT procrastinate. But on an indignant note, how the hell was I supposed to know that she wouldn't be in?! Double damn.

KIDS, THIS IS THE RESULTS OF PROCRASTINATION. NOW I CAN'T EVEN LAUGH AT OTHER PEOPLE'S DISASTERS. UGH.

Life Observation

2008-12-13T09:19:00.000-08:00

Ah, yes, it's been a bit of a hellish few days. So I'm making a mental note to not talk so much through chatting or anything that is non verbal and not face to face. Why? It's because it gets sucky when shit happens.

For example:

Situation 1
Person A makes a point to person B, say a casual observation. Person B misinterprets said point and got offended and person A is left with a suitcase of guilt.

Situation 2
A makes a point, B did not read things properly, and the end result is the same as situation 1.

Situation 3
A tries to make a point, but it didn't get through, and once again...misinterpretation.

So the conclusion can be drawn; any conversation that is not verbal or done face to face is terribly risky. Perhaps sometimes silence is golden. It's weird, because I always thought that I present my meanings and ideas clearly to people I talk to. Heck, I always try to be careful whenever I talk in order to avoid misunderstandings and confrontations, but in the end, this still happened.

I guess even with people close to you (i.e : family, friends, buddies etc.), no matter how much they understand you, humans are sensitive to the wrong things and unobservant of the others. Sometimes, I feel that this is disappointing. Because they know you so well, they should have understood. Because they understand you so well, they should never have misunderstood your words.

Does that make any sense? Heh, I think everyone else would feel that this is in fact a small matter of no importance. But it makes one point clear. The closer someone is to your heart, the more you opened yourself to that person, the more it hurts. Then why do humans open their hearts to another, knowing the risk of being hurt? Is this a never ending cycle after all, a life cycle of hurting and be hurt? If that is the case, I think I'd rather be the one hurting instead of getting hurt.

Does any of that makes any sense?

2008-11-26T04:17:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I figured I have this really big procrastinating streak in me. It has to go....yes, I keep telling myself that every single damn time. >< Now I have to study for my JLPT exam coming up soon, and do my lab report which is so due tomorrow!

On a darker note, I was moving along livejournal when I came across this post in one of the random communities. Plagiarism is claimed to exist after all even among professional manga artists. Evilness.
More evilness. And it actually happened to one of the mangakas I liked.

Does justice always protect the innocent after all? If not, in lieu of the fact that such a thing can happen even within the professional field, where has justice gone to?

2008-11-18T02:19:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I deleted my last blog and possibly abandoned a lot of others. Dang, I feel so fickle. In fact, the only thing I didn't abandon is my LJ, but that's different sort of news, I guess. Uh...let's see. What are my aims for creating yet another blog in cyberspace? I'm not really sure either, but I guess I can just blog on my daily life as well as the nickpicks in everything minus much too private life eh?

Also, I'm trying to improve my writing after stopping on writing anything for quite a long time. There's still a collab that I have yet to finish - it's 10% done at most, due to my love for delaying things - as well as maybe 3 to 4 story plots that I have in mind.

Urm....what else? About me...actually I don't know what am I really. Physically wise, I'm Asian, and I look nerdy-ish. I'm named after plum blossom. I'm still in the woes of studying-hood. I love writing, and words and languages. My aim is to be able to converse well in various languages...but we'll see.

Ok, let's hope that this blog stays...for real. and reporting live is yours sincerely, Rei-chan.

Andddddd.....cut.